Baby I'm a Star

I guess you could say my life has been full of drama. No, not the kind that causes aches in your stomach, but the kind that takes you away to a different, and imaginary land in your head. I always loved musicals as a kid, especially if they had Elvis, Frankie and Annette, Ann Margaret, Julie Andrews, and Dick Van Dyke in them, to name some. I remember as a kid we would perform skits and plays in school, but of course I was never picked to play the lead roles. During our summer breaks my girlfriends and I would make up dance routines to our favorite music, and make our poor parents watch them. I was never able to take dance classes so when my daughter reached the age of 5 I signed her up for jazz and hiphop dance classes, and from then on, to the age of 18, I lived vicariously through her. I remember missing her first dance recital because I couldn't see her performance through my tears of joy. Thank goodness I bought a video of that recital so I could watch it over again. 

The first musical I ever attended was "Moving Out", composed by the one and only Billy Joel. Was it ever amazing. Since then I have gone to community theater groups that have been very entertaining. One recently called "The Barn Theater" in Augusta MI. First we got to watch a theatrical play in a renovated barn that had two guest actors from the Guiding light soap opera that used to be on main stream TV. Then we moved into a little building next door where they served cocktails and appetizers while the waitstaff sang short musical numbers in front of a piano bar. These performers were collage students who attended The Barn Theater School of Advance Theater Training. To think at their age I was getting married and having kids. Sigh! Well, I probably forgot to mention that I really don't have any dance, singing, or acting talents, but I do preform once a year after a few cocktails at The Annex Piano Bar in Saugatuck.

To Settle

I blog way more about dating than I actually spend time dating. I have said it many times before, I just don't like the whole dating process. All I hear from single people is that they just don't want to settle, and they have a list of things they would call deal breakers. Yes, there are things about people I'm sure would be hard to live with, but the more people I hear talk about what they want, makes me wonder if they ever put into consideration what the other persons needs are. Are you really settling just because you are willing to compromise? There were many times I felt like I lost who I was in my 24 year marriage, but looking back now I can only blame myself for getting into that rut. Have we forgotten that relationships are give and take? Are we really settling when we commit to another human being unconditionally? Isn't it possible to love another person so much that we can over look the small stuff, and accept that no relationship is going to fulfill all of our needs?

I know I'm older and wiser than I was 20 years ago, but there is one thing on my list I'm yearning for in a relationship and that hasn't changed. I just want someones time, and to show an interest in me and who I am. All the rest is petty. If you have chemistry and really like each other, a lot of things will naturally be accepted. I remember my ex telling me at one point in our marriage that he really loved me because I accepted him for who he is, and that made him happy. We all want to feel good, and if we both focus on making each other feel special instead of always on what we want, we won't doom every relationship we are in. People who feel appreciated tend to appreciate others.

When most of us look for someone to date we automatically assume that we should share all the same interests and belief systems, but I don't even think that is possible. I think that's where most people don't understand the meaning of the word "settle". If you look the word up in the dictionary, to settle on something means to make an effort, accept, determine and agree, not to give up on what you want. After all variety really is the spice of life, and to not even consider stepping out of the box, and at least try to make a connection with someone you thought you wouldn't, you may be missing out on something really special and life changing. When I met my ex husband, I really didn't like him at first. I had a huge crush on one of his friends. I finally gave in and gave him a chance. It turned out to be the best thing I ever didn't want to do even if it didn't last forever.

Communication breakdown.

Communicating is a must in our everyday lives. We have to communicate to get the job done, our needs met, and express our feelings about something. A lot of people think the cause of  communication breakdown is the lack of face to face interaction. Phones and social media have taken the place of actually meeting up with someone. I believe that's only part of the problem. I think good communication skills are taught. When a child is crying we ask them what the problem is, and if they don't verbally tell us we usually say," I can't help you if you don't tell me what is wrong". To let people assume or misinterpret instead of communicating can lead to the opposite of what we really feel about something. How often do we say nothing at all instead of communicating our feelings, only to regret it later?   

I definitely do what I say I will do. When I tell someone I will be at a certain place, at a certain time, I don't even bother to confirm. Which has thrown a few people off. They are not used to people doing what they say they'll do, only to have them not show up places because I didn't say for a second time I would be there. Then I usually have to call them asking where the heck are you? Being a good listener is one of the best ways to be a good communicator. No one likes communicating with someone who only cares about putting in their two cents, and does not take the time to listen to the other person. If you're not a good listener, it's going to be hard to comprehend what you're being asked to do.

 Your body language, eye contact, hand gestures, and tone all color the message you are trying to convey. A relaxed, open stance (arms open, legs relaxed), and a friendly tone will make you appear approachable, and will encourage others to speak openly with you. This of course has to be face to face. Good communication means saying just enough. Don't say too little or talk too much. no one likes to hear a person ramble, and if you say too little am I comprehending what you are trying to tell me? We all know lack of communication in relationships can be a strain or the beginning to an end. How many times do I have to say something before my guy actually hears what I said?  There is a punch line in there some where.

Down in the dumps.

Have you ever been so down in the dumps about something that every little bad thing that happens to you that day makes you think about why you're so down? Even if it's just dropping your sandwich on the floor before you've taken a bite out of it. It doesn't even have to be the best sandwich you ever made, it just enhances why you are so down. It doesn't have to bear a connection what so ever, like spilling your coffee down the front of your shirt. If you weren't so down in the dumps you could just laugh it off and wear your sweater over your shirt all day, but instead you connect it to your sadness as if whatever you're so down about caused this mess on your shirt, and your mediocre sandwich to fall on the floor.

I don't get this way very often, it only happens when I lose control over matters of the heart. What I mean is when I have strong feelings about something or someone and the circumstances are unsolvable. I know I should accept what I can't change, but matters of the heart are never easy for me to move on from. I start to think of several scenarios that could solve the problem, only to fall back into my darkness, and the realization that I've tried those scenarios. In other words, if I make a sandwich out of roast beef instead of ham, use swiss cheese instead of american, go heavy on the mayo would I be much more diligent about keeping it on my plate? I don't know, but I sure am down about not having any roast beef.

No Father on Fathers Day

Being without a Dad for most of my life has been something I've learned to adjust to. No, my father isn't dead, he just has not been in the picture since I was 13 years old, and even when he was he wasn't the ideal father. I hate the term "Daddy issues", but that is exactly what I have. If you are a girl you need your Dad to teach you how the men in your life are suppose to treat you, and if your own Dad doesn't build you up, and treat you like a princess then you are bound to grow up thinking that's how all men are going to treat you. I'm pretty sure my Dad wanted a boy, so he treated me like one until my brother was born, but by that time I was already molded.

I was such a tomboy growing up I was even mistaken by some people as being a boy. I'm sure the boys clothes, sneakers, and bike I rode didn't help. I loved watching westerns with John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. I absolutely loved the movie, The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of the Dirty Harry movies were a must see at least once a year. My Dad even taught me how to box. What a big mistake that was, by the time I was 12 I had to wear a cast that whole summer because I punched a boy in the face for picking on my little brother. When my hand swelled two sizes the next day, I told my Dad I fell off some park bleachers. He took me to the doctor to get my hand x-rayed, and the doctor told my Dad there was no way she got this by falling off bleachers. This is a boxers fracture.

When I finally started looking like a girl I think it freaked my Dad out. He didn't have a clue what to do with a teen daughter, and I'm pretty sure that's when our relationship went bad. To make a very long story short I left the house I lived in with my father at the age of 13 and never really looked back. Since then I have had some really great male role models in my life whom I would be proud to have called my Dad. Do I miss not having a Dad around? No, not really, but when I see men who are great fathers, especially if they have daughters, it does put a smile on my face and makes me think what lucky little girls they are.

Taking the high road.

Taking the high road is not always easy, especially for this firecracker baby. When people act untrustworthy towards me, or try to make me feel inferior to them, I know that it is them who have issues with self control. It's usually something going on with them that makes them feel inferior to me and not the other way around. I prefer to let the universe handle these sort of things. I mean why get myself all worked up over someone else's lack of self respect? Life has a way of biting people back without you having to lower yourself to a level of desperation. We reap what we sow is a very true statement, and I want them to be thinking of this situation when life finally does bite them back.

 My Mother told me when I was a child I was never argumentative. When I would ask for permission to do something, and my Mother would say no, I would quietly walk away and do it anyway. I've never liked confrontation, I avoid it like the plague, but don't make the mistake of thinking this sweet ray of sunshine will ever forget the way you treated her. Never confuse my silence with weakness. I am a strong headed woman and I will come out of every bad situation stronger than ever.

When I think I'm being lied to would be another example of when I try to take the high road. Only because I know when they are squirming their way through the conversation, and the more convincing they try to be the less sincere it becomes. In a somewhat recent situation I felt from the get go I was being deceived. Body language and avoidance is a sure sign that someone is not being truthful with you. I took it upon myself to reach out to this person in hopes I would get an answer. I was ready to hear the truth because being hurt by the truth is always better than being hurt with a lie. Instead I felt patronized in this brief interaction, and very disappointed to say the least. Rest assured there will be no more interacting with this person. Now I can move forward knowing that I am the bigger person for rising above...

Dating sucks!

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Dating sucks! So much so, I have taken a long hiatus from doing it. The past few times that I have gone out on a date I was the one to make the initiative, and I always seem to choose the guys who are more into themselves than me. I get they are wanting to give a good first impression, but why would you want to be with a woman who is only interested in what you own? To come right out and list the things you have instead of telling me what it is you enjoy doing, or what you want out of life is kind of selling yourself short. If your personality sucks, none of that stuff is going to make a difference anyway. I'm not even really sure what attracts me to this kind of man other than maybe it's the only type of guy available. I feel like I'm getting way too old to be playing these sort of dating games. I hate dating sites, but at least you know upfront what the guy is looking for so you don't have to waste your time on someone who is only looking for a good time. I feel like if I ask a guy any questions about what they want in a relationship they automatically think I want to walk down the aisle with them. No, I don't even think I want to get married again, but I would like to find a lifetime partner before that lifetime is over.

Getting dating advice is so confusing. I had a male friend tell me he likes when a woman asks him out because it takes the pressure off the man from always having to do so. Then I've had others say they like to ask the woman out. I'm the type of woman who will only flirt with men I want to be asked out by, so they know I'm interested. I think a person who flirts with everyone sends mixed messages. I am definitely a one man type of woman. I can only focus on one man at a time. If I don't think things will work out after a few dates I don't let things drag on until something better comes along. I don't think that's fair, or a nice thing to do to someone. Being single doesn't make me unhappy, but it does make me feel a little awkward when the only friends I have to take trips with are couples. I just don't really have a lot of single friends. Wait, I don't have any! ugh! My Father inlaw who was widowed in the late 80s took a trip to Florida by himself a few years after his wife had passed away, and met a woman who had lost her husband as well. A few months later she came to visit him and they have been together since. I love that story....

Shiny Happy People

Shiny happy people do they really exist, or do they just think that if they avoid negative feelings they will always be happy? I'm definitely the glass is half empty kind of girl who thinks by allowing myself to feel negative emotions motivates me to fill that glass right back up to the top. Is it okay to feel sad or angry about things when our world is turning upside down? Does it send a false message to others that you can always be happy if you just stay positive all the time? Am I a negative person because I feel angry or disappointed about a situation, or I don't automatically think about someone else being worse off than me? Does it help another persons situation who is worse off than me if I stay positive? It's kind of like saying I can't be happy because there are people who aren't as happy as me. 

I think a lot of this glass half full, only think positive, movement is really just a cover for avoiding or resolving the problem at hand. We must feel negative emotions to heal and feel good again. It's part of being human  A good cry, or pity party has always helped me to grow and move forward. Staying positive and avoiding my problems only made me stay in negative situations thinking that they will get better if I only stay positive. You can never achieve one emotion without feeling the other. Of course it's never a good idea to play a victim to every bad circumstance in your life, but I must accept the bad with the good in order to achieve my goals and problem solve my way through life. So release those emotions, pick yourself up, and hold your head high because no ones life is perfect, not even the shiny happy people.

Can men and woman be just friends?

This topic of can men and woman just be friends has come up quite a bit lately at my work place, in the media, and on social media. I guess it's more acceptable if both parties are single, but what if one or both of those people are in relationships or married? Is it possible to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex that is in a relationship without being attracted to them? I am a single woman who has no interest in meeting up with any guy who is in a relationship because I know how jealous woman can be, so when I do get asked to meet up with a guy friend I usually include their partner. When I was married my husband did have work friends who were the opposite sex, and I will say if I thought these woman were attractive I did get a little jealous if they were getting too chummy with him.

Every relationship is personal and what works for some couples may not work for all, but I do think there should be some boundaries put in place so those boundaries are never crossed. In a non work situation meeting up with the opposite sex for whatever reason could lead into trouble down the line. I have a childhood male friend that lived across the street from my former husband and he had no problem with him coming over and spending time with me alone when we were married because we all grew up in the same neighborhood together. I think that probably wouldn't have been okay with him in a different situation. Although I do have many male acquaintances I think that at some point one of us is always interested in more than just a friendship. Do you have friends who are the opposite sex, and how is that working out for you?

I need a lover who...

I need a lover who is kind

I need a lover who is honest

I need a lover who is passionate

I need a lover who is intelligent

I need a lover who likes me at my worst 

I need a lover who treats me as his equal

I need a lover who is also my friend

I need a lover who is affectionate

I need a lover who rights me when I'm wrong

I need a lover who knows when I need space

I need a lover who lets me fight my own battles

I need a lover who never gives up 

I need a lover who has patience

I need a lover who loves me

I need a lover who is dependable

I need a lover who is faithful

I need a lover who has integrity

I need a lover who has a sense of humor

I need a lover who listens

I need a lover who won't drive me crazy...well, maybe a little

To drink or not to drink

 It would seem that alcohol plays a huge part of any social event whether it be a sport event, or a backyard bar-b-q there is always a reason to throw back a few. We have breweries on every corner serving up a wide range of craft beers. Beer festivals in every city. Brunch houses who specialize in bloody mary bars, but are we too dependent on alcohol to have a good time? Some would surely think so. Having kids and doing fun stuff with them was a time I never drank. Kayaking, boating, skiing, hiking, biking, road trips, to name some, are safety issues and drinking should never be part of it. A small group of people I had gone on a kayaking trip with in lake superior last summer was delayed by a couple who had to stop to buy beer first. Really? Couldn't they have waited until after the kayaking trip when we were safe on land to start drinking? We were all pretty ticked off to say the least.

When my son was in elementary school his dad took him to his first lions football game. I remember him being excited about spending time with his dad at the game. They were sitting in upper seats at the pontiac silver dome, not far from two groups of men. Kind of in the middle of them. These men were clearly drinking and getting rowdy. Back in the 90s beer was served in cans at sport events. All of a sudden one guy in the group throws an unopened beer can that came very close to my son and his dad, but hit a guy in the head from the other group of men. Blood went every where and a fight broke out. Scared my son and ruined his first football game, and I'm sure the lions lost the game too. Was it the alcohol that caused this bad behavior? Without a doubt! 

I usually like to sample a craft beer or wine I haven't' tried before. Do I have to drink to have a good time? Well, yes and no. It all depends on the atmosphere I'm in, and if other people are drinking as well. I mean, why else do people go to breweries? Yes, it does relax me and helps me to be more social, I will admit, but I never drink myself  into a drunken state where I don't know what I'm doing. No one likes to be around someone who's falling down drunk, and needs to be baby sat the whole night. I'm not really a bar person, but I will grab a bite to eat at brewery and have a couple drinks, then head home before my carriage turns into a pumpkin. My favorite place to have a drink is outside on my deck with a cool breeze flowing threw my hair.,,,ahhhh...drink responsibly, my friends.

  

Why?

Why do we only hurt the ones we love? Why are men scared of commitment? Why do coyote's howl at the moon? Why do girls just wanna have fun? Why do birds migrate? Why does the moon have craters? Why do cats have whiskers? Why do beaches have sand? Why do mountains look blue from a distance? Why does the sky change colors at sunset? Why do ants dig tunnels? Why must chemical equations be balanced? Why do we cry? Why do fools fall in love? Why do we yawn? Why does an elephant never forget? Why do eggs float? Why are chihuahuas so small? Why is the sky blue? Why is light so fast? Why do stars flicker? Why does the sun set in the west? Why are wetlands important? Why does carpet create static electricity? Why do we get the hiccups? Why do we dream? Why do tornadoes form? Why do penguins have wings? Why does light bend? Why is the earth tilted? Why are the oceans salty? Why do actors say break a leg? Why do we have eyebrows? Why do we get goosebumps? Why is it called black friday? Why do we have leap year? Why do we have moon phases? Why do oceans have tides? Why do we have volcanoes? Why do we have wisdom teeth? Why do llamas spit? Why do roosters crow? Why does the year start on January 1st? Why do they call coffee joe? Why does the president live in the white house? Why does the flag have 50 stars? Why does the government collect taxes? Why does the human body need water? Why did you just do that? Why isn't Pluto a planet? Why isn't water flammable? Why isn't rain water salty? Why isn't yuengling beer sold in Michigan? Why isn't nitrogen a greenhouse gas? Why isn't love enough? Why do cats land on their feet? Why do we get brain freezes? Why do we get warts? Why do we get charlie horses? Why don't electric eels electrocute the water? Why doesn't Johnny Depp ask me to marry him? Why, why, why, why?!?!

Non-believers

I have a lot of religious people on my facebook friend list, which really isn't a problem for me even though I'm a nonbeliever. Once in a while I will see a post about morality and people questioning if you can have morals without believing in a higher power. Every time this subject is brought up it's usually by a group of believers who know nothing about atheism. They are having these discussions without actually having any nonbelievers chime in as though they know what we think and feel. They talk about them as if they need to be educated on how to be a moral person and there is only one way to do that, of course, that's their way. We couldn't possibly be loving, giving, and empathetic human beings without believing in a God.

Well, let me start by saying nonbelievers are very loving, giving, empathetic human beings without the promise of an after life. We are good people because we want to be, and it's the right thing to do. We believe we are given one chance at life, and have to make it as good and fulfilling for ourselves, and the people we love around us, period. I really dislike when someone else speaks for me, especially if you don't know me, and to portray all nonbelievers as lost people is just ignorant. Atheism is a choice. They are not lost souls. They are people who disbelieve, or have a lack of belief in the existence of a God or gods. What you feel about their lack of belief is how they feel about you believing in a higher power. We are positive, thought provoking people who want to make a difference in the world we live in.

I don't like to blog about religion or politics, but when my morals are questioned, and then explained by a person who doesn't share my non-belief system as if I'm diseased, not in the right mind, or even dead inside as one person put it, it makes me question your morality. I don't worry about your path in life. I may not agree with it, but I don't question your morality to make myself feel better about mine. If we don't end up in the same place after we die, that's on me, not you. My goal in life is to be a loving, giving person, and make a positive impact in other peoples lives with no expectations. That's my reward. I really find it kind of funny that some people think that you only have two choices in life, either you're godly or evil. Well, I'm not neither, and I'm okay with that. 

Chronic Complainers

We all complain about the things around us that we think are not right or are unfair, but can this negative thinking affect our relationships with co-workers, friends and family? Yes, it most definitely can, and if all you do is complain and not take action to fix the problem then you are part of the problem. You are what we call a chronic complainer. You are inviting negative energy into your life which will only cause more problems than solutions. It's hard to be positive and productive when you have someone complaining in your ear all day. Chronic complainers believe the world is out to get them, but the truth is that they may not even know that they complain so much.

We all have chronic complainers in our lives. They're that friend who always complains about the food, the service, or anything else when you meet them for dinner. Their expectations of how things should be are way too high. Despite how difficult their complaints are for those around them, chronic complainers do not usually see themselves as negative people. Rather they perceive themselves as forever being on the losing end of things. Even those chronic complainers who do recognize their immense complaining truly believe their unlucky lot in life more than justifies expressing their dissatisfaction to those around them. After all, it is they who have been saddled with more problems and misfortune than most.

 Sadly it has ruined some of my friendships. Co-workers are even harder to deal with because you can't end a working relationship unless you spend your day avoiding them which isn't always possible. I realize they just want validation, and they will repeat their dissatisfaction over and over until they get it. When it comes to a work I try to show positive behavior around that chronic complainer by showing them only they can change what they don't like about their job situation if the boss keeps brushing them off. Most of these chronic complainers don't see that if they are not willing to help themselves no one else will. I see a lot of chronic complainers in my facebook news feed. Ask yourself, are you one of them?

Easily Distracted

As some of you may know I deactivated my Facebook account for a few months because it was becoming too distracting. I would try to convince myself that I would only go online for a few minutes just to see what everyone was up to, and lo and behold an hour had past and what I had planned for that moment never got done. I was never this easily distracted pre-social media. I used to read 2 books a month, but now I'm lucky to read 2 every six months. I would start to read and my mind would wonder elsewhere. I would find myself having to re-read each chapter because I was constantly being distracted or just couldn't focus. Watching a long movie has been a struggle as well. I just can't stay focused long enough to watch the whole movie in one sitting. I either get up from the couch to start a task I had forgotten to do earlier, or I'm looking at my notifications from Facebook.

Deactivating my facebook account was very hard for the first week, and I started to spend more time on Pinterest and Instagram. After that week went by I found that I was able to focus more on myself which I've needed to do for sometime. Not in a narcissistic way, but sometimes we get so caught up in what everyone else is doing we tend to neglect ourselves. Taking the time to just sit and read a good book is not only relaxing, but stimulates the mind so you can focus. Hobbies. Remember those? I used to have so many of them. Making door wreathes, floral arraignments, jewelry, gardening, photography, and even sewed a little. I was a very crafty person before living the social media obsession. I even dusted off some old paint brushes and painted a picture of a tree while I was offline. Of course after watching a Bob Ross marathon.Time seemed to slow down when I didn't spend all my spare time on Facebook. I didn't feel the need to check in when I went out to eat, or even let facebook know what I was doing over the weekend. I felt like my old self again.

Until...I just had to take a peek. Just for a few minutes. I knew no one would notice. I didn't even look at my news feed for the first hour. I looked through my photo's and felt a little narcissistic when I saw how many profile pics I had posted, so I deleted all but two. I went through my albums and personal photos of family and deleted most of them as well, and wondered why I was so public with my private life. I removed my last name and typed in my blogger name. I decided I would use my account mostly for blogging. Then I went to my families pages one by one to see if I missed anything, and I didn't really miss much, which made me happy that they still kept in touch even though I was off facebook for a while. Then I went to my news feed, and guess what? It was like I never left. Same stuff, different day. Did I really expect facebook to stop because I left? No, of course not, and that few minute peek turned into all day. I even got several "welcome back" comments when I posted my first profile pic in 3 months. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Will I ever leave facebook for good? Probably not, but I've learned that taking a break every once in awhile will do me good.

    

Minimalism

I recently watched a documentary about people who gave up their life of materialism to live a much simpler life that only consisted of living with what they needed and claimed it made them happier people. They gave up their high paying jobs that forced them to work 60hr work weeks, and their huge homes they were never home to live in. They weeded through their collectables and household items to see what they really used, and came to the conclusion that most of their valuable possessions were not valuable at all. In other words they really didn't use most of the stuff they buy. They were just buying for the sake of having the latest gadget or trendy outfit because they were brainwashed by marketing schemes to do so, or they were trying to keep up with the neighbors.

When I got divorced over four years ago I was kind of forced into this life style because my income drastically dropped, which was easy for me because I wasn't raised in a wealthy family and really didn't have a lot of luxury items growing up. To go from living in a 3800 sq foot home to a little less than 1200 sq foot home was kind of challenging at first, but once I got rid of stuff I didn't use my storage problems were no longer a problem. I found that having a smaller home meant I didn't need to shop as much, and if I did I always second guessed the purchase. With a larger home you tend to buy things just to fill it whether you really need it or not. My thought process has really changed in the last 4 years. I don't buy for that temporary happy feeling that you get from buying something new. I buy because it's something I use, need, or brings me happiness long term.

 There was a time that I didn't feel very successful in my life until a few friends of mine pointed out to me that they have never seen me so happy. And they are right. I may have less income, less stuff, and a smaller home, but I'm successful when it comes to friends, family, time and memories because I really have only what I need which makes me happy. Less stuff, less work, less expense. Equals. More money, more time, more joy in doing the things I love. Do you own your stuff or does your stuff own you?

A work in progress.

 Abandonment, commitment, parent, substance, trust, we all have some type of issue that stops us from moving forward in life. Most of us don't even know we have them. Some are deal breakers, some can be worked through. Some stem from childhood, others stem from past relationships. Wherever they may have originated from they can cause us problems in the future. So what do we do about them if they get in the way of our happiness? Good question.

I recently discovered I have abandonment issues. They come from my childhood, a time in my life that I felt abandoned by the adults around me who I should have felt safe with. I think that's what stops me from getting too close to people, or pushing them away before they get a chance to abandon me first. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, it wasn't easy. It's something I've been doing subconsciously for years.

This has definitely gotten in the way of  my relationships. Having unrealistic expectations toward a love interest, wanting too much too soon. I overreact and over need. Twisting myself into a pretzel to hide my panic. In trying to save the relationship, I lost my authenticity. Making my partner or friend feel emotionally responsible for me. This creates that awful dynamic where I need them more than they need me, so I stay at a safe distance rather than putting myself out there. The self loathing starts to set in, then I realize I've pushed them away forever.

I know this isn't completely my fault, but I do need to learn when I start to feel this way, to stop laying all the responsibility on the other person. This means to take 100% of the responsibility when my fear starts to erupt rather than expecting the other person to fix it, even if they triggered it. Vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self reliance.Transforming abandonment fear into emotional self reliance involves radical acceptance of my separateness as an individual. Easier said than done, right? I am officially in abandonment recovery,