A work in progress.

 Abandonment, commitment, parent, substance, trust, we all have some type of issue that stops us from moving forward in life. Most of us don't even know we have them. Some are deal breakers, some can be worked through. Some stem from childhood, others stem from past relationships. Wherever they may have originated from they can cause us problems in the future. So what do we do about them if they get in the way of our happiness? Good question.

I recently discovered I have abandonment issues. They come from my childhood, a time in my life that I felt abandoned by the adults around me who I should have felt safe with. I think that's what stops me from getting too close to people, or pushing them away before they get a chance to abandon me first. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, it wasn't easy. It's something I've been doing subconsciously for years.

This has definitely gotten in the way of  my relationships. Having unrealistic expectations toward a love interest, wanting too much too soon. I overreact and over need. Twisting myself into a pretzel to hide my panic. In trying to save the relationship, I lost my authenticity. Making my partner or friend feel emotionally responsible for me. This creates that awful dynamic where I need them more than they need me, so I stay at a safe distance rather than putting myself out there. The self loathing starts to set in, then I realize I've pushed them away forever.

I know this isn't completely my fault, but I do need to learn when I start to feel this way, to stop laying all the responsibility on the other person. This means to take 100% of the responsibility when my fear starts to erupt rather than expecting the other person to fix it, even if they triggered it. Vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self reliance.Transforming abandonment fear into emotional self reliance involves radical acceptance of my separateness as an individual. Easier said than done, right? I am officially in abandonment recovery,