To Settle

I blog way more about dating than I actually spend time dating. I have said it many times before, I just don't like the whole dating process. All I hear from single people is that they just don't want to settle, and they have a list of things they would call deal breakers. Yes, there are things about people I'm sure would be hard to live with, but the more people I hear talk about what they want, makes me wonder if they ever put into consideration what the other persons needs are. Are you really settling just because you are willing to compromise? There were many times I felt like I lost who I was in my 24 year marriage, but looking back now I can only blame myself for getting into that rut. Have we forgotten that relationships are give and take? Are we really settling when we commit to another human being unconditionally? Isn't it possible to love another person so much that we can over look the small stuff, and accept that no relationship is going to fulfill all of our needs?

I know I'm older and wiser than I was 20 years ago, but there is one thing on my list I'm yearning for in a relationship and that hasn't changed. I just want someones time, and to show an interest in me and who I am. All the rest is petty. If you have chemistry and really like each other, a lot of things will naturally be accepted. I remember my ex telling me at one point in our marriage that he really loved me because I accepted him for who he is, and that made him happy. We all want to feel good, and if we both focus on making each other feel special instead of always on what we want, we won't doom every relationship we are in. People who feel appreciated tend to appreciate others.

When most of us look for someone to date we automatically assume that we should share all the same interests and belief systems, but I don't even think that is possible. I think that's where most people don't understand the meaning of the word "settle". If you look the word up in the dictionary, to settle on something means to make an effort, accept, determine and agree, not to give up on what you want. After all variety really is the spice of life, and to not even consider stepping out of the box, and at least try to make a connection with someone you thought you wouldn't, you may be missing out on something really special and life changing. When I met my ex husband, I really didn't like him at first. I had a huge crush on one of his friends. I finally gave in and gave him a chance. It turned out to be the best thing I ever didn't want to do even if it didn't last forever.

Communication breakdown.

Communicating is a must in our everyday lives. We have to communicate to get the job done, our needs met, and express our feelings about something. A lot of people think the cause of  communication breakdown is the lack of face to face interaction. Phones and social media have taken the place of actually meeting up with someone. I believe that's only part of the problem. I think good communication skills are taught. When a child is crying we ask them what the problem is, and if they don't verbally tell us we usually say," I can't help you if you don't tell me what is wrong". To let people assume or misinterpret instead of communicating can lead to the opposite of what we really feel about something. How often do we say nothing at all instead of communicating our feelings, only to regret it later?   

I definitely do what I say I will do. When I tell someone I will be at a certain place, at a certain time, I don't even bother to confirm. Which has thrown a few people off. They are not used to people doing what they say they'll do, only to have them not show up places because I didn't say for a second time I would be there. Then I usually have to call them asking where the heck are you? Being a good listener is one of the best ways to be a good communicator. No one likes communicating with someone who only cares about putting in their two cents, and does not take the time to listen to the other person. If you're not a good listener, it's going to be hard to comprehend what you're being asked to do.

 Your body language, eye contact, hand gestures, and tone all color the message you are trying to convey. A relaxed, open stance (arms open, legs relaxed), and a friendly tone will make you appear approachable, and will encourage others to speak openly with you. This of course has to be face to face. Good communication means saying just enough. Don't say too little or talk too much. no one likes to hear a person ramble, and if you say too little am I comprehending what you are trying to tell me? We all know lack of communication in relationships can be a strain or the beginning to an end. How many times do I have to say something before my guy actually hears what I said?  There is a punch line in there some where.