Down in the dumps.

Have you ever been so down in the dumps about something that every little bad thing that happens to you that day makes you think about why you're so down? Even if it's just dropping your sandwich on the floor before you've taken a bite out of it. It doesn't even have to be the best sandwich you ever made, it just enhances why you are so down. It doesn't have to bear a connection what so ever, like spilling your coffee down the front of your shirt. If you weren't so down in the dumps you could just laugh it off and wear your sweater over your shirt all day, but instead you connect it to your sadness as if whatever you're so down about caused this mess on your shirt, and your mediocre sandwich to fall on the floor.

I don't get this way very often, it only happens when I lose control over matters of the heart. What I mean is when I have strong feelings about something or someone and the circumstances are unsolvable. I know I should accept what I can't change, but matters of the heart are never easy for me to move on from. I start to think of several scenarios that could solve the problem, only to fall back into my darkness, and the realization that I've tried those scenarios. In other words, if I make a sandwich out of roast beef instead of ham, use swiss cheese instead of american, go heavy on the mayo would I be much more diligent about keeping it on my plate? I don't know, but I sure am down about not having any roast beef.

No Father on Fathers Day

Being without a Dad for most of my life has been something I've learned to adjust to. No, my father isn't dead, he just has not been in the picture since I was 13 years old, and even when he was he wasn't the ideal father. I hate the term "Daddy issues", but that is exactly what I have. If you are a girl you need your Dad to teach you how the men in your life are suppose to treat you, and if your own Dad doesn't build you up, and treat you like a princess then you are bound to grow up thinking that's how all men are going to treat you. I'm pretty sure my Dad wanted a boy, so he treated me like one until my brother was born, but by that time I was already molded.

I was such a tomboy growing up I was even mistaken by some people as being a boy. I'm sure the boys clothes, sneakers, and bike I rode didn't help. I loved watching westerns with John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. I absolutely loved the movie, The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of the Dirty Harry movies were a must see at least once a year. My Dad even taught me how to box. What a big mistake that was, by the time I was 12 I had to wear a cast that whole summer because I punched a boy in the face for picking on my little brother. When my hand swelled two sizes the next day, I told my Dad I fell off some park bleachers. He took me to the doctor to get my hand x-rayed, and the doctor told my Dad there was no way she got this by falling off bleachers. This is a boxers fracture.

When I finally started looking like a girl I think it freaked my Dad out. He didn't have a clue what to do with a teen daughter, and I'm pretty sure that's when our relationship went bad. To make a very long story short I left the house I lived in with my father at the age of 13 and never really looked back. Since then I have had some really great male role models in my life whom I would be proud to have called my Dad. Do I miss not having a Dad around? No, not really, but when I see men who are great fathers, especially if they have daughters, it does put a smile on my face and makes me think what lucky little girls they are.

Taking the high road.

Taking the high road is not always easy, especially for this firecracker baby. When people act untrustworthy towards me, or try to make me feel inferior to them, I know that it is them who have issues with self control. It's usually something going on with them that makes them feel inferior to me and not the other way around. I prefer to let the universe handle these sort of things. I mean why get myself all worked up over someone else's lack of self respect? Life has a way of biting people back without you having to lower yourself to a level of desperation. We reap what we sow is a very true statement, and I want them to be thinking of this situation when life finally does bite them back.

 My Mother told me when I was a child I was never argumentative. When I would ask for permission to do something, and my Mother would say no, I would quietly walk away and do it anyway. I've never liked confrontation, I avoid it like the plague, but don't make the mistake of thinking this sweet ray of sunshine will ever forget the way you treated her. Never confuse my silence with weakness. I am a strong headed woman and I will come out of every bad situation stronger than ever.

When I think I'm being lied to would be another example of when I try to take the high road. Only because I know when they are squirming their way through the conversation, and the more convincing they try to be the less sincere it becomes. In a somewhat recent situation I felt from the get go I was being deceived. Body language and avoidance is a sure sign that someone is not being truthful with you. I took it upon myself to reach out to this person in hopes I would get an answer. I was ready to hear the truth because being hurt by the truth is always better than being hurt with a lie. Instead I felt patronized in this brief interaction, and very disappointed to say the least. Rest assured there will be no more interacting with this person. Now I can move forward knowing that I am the bigger person for rising above...

Dating sucks!

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Dating sucks! So much so, I have taken a long hiatus from doing it. The past few times that I have gone out on a date I was the one to make the initiative, and I always seem to choose the guys who are more into themselves than me. I get they are wanting to give a good first impression, but why would you want to be with a woman who is only interested in what you own? To come right out and list the things you have instead of telling me what it is you enjoy doing, or what you want out of life is kind of selling yourself short. If your personality sucks, none of that stuff is going to make a difference anyway. I'm not even really sure what attracts me to this kind of man other than maybe it's the only type of guy available. I feel like I'm getting way too old to be playing these sort of dating games. I hate dating sites, but at least you know upfront what the guy is looking for so you don't have to waste your time on someone who is only looking for a good time. I feel like if I ask a guy any questions about what they want in a relationship they automatically think I want to walk down the aisle with them. No, I don't even think I want to get married again, but I would like to find a lifetime partner before that lifetime is over.

Getting dating advice is so confusing. I had a male friend tell me he likes when a woman asks him out because it takes the pressure off the man from always having to do so. Then I've had others say they like to ask the woman out. I'm the type of woman who will only flirt with men I want to be asked out by, so they know I'm interested. I think a person who flirts with everyone sends mixed messages. I am definitely a one man type of woman. I can only focus on one man at a time. If I don't think things will work out after a few dates I don't let things drag on until something better comes along. I don't think that's fair, or a nice thing to do to someone. Being single doesn't make me unhappy, but it does make me feel a little awkward when the only friends I have to take trips with are couples. I just don't really have a lot of single friends. Wait, I don't have any! ugh! My Father inlaw who was widowed in the late 80s took a trip to Florida by himself a few years after his wife had passed away, and met a woman who had lost her husband as well. A few months later she came to visit him and they have been together since. I love that story....