The loss of a child.

To lose a child is no doubt the worst pain you can ever feel. To raise, love, and nurture this beautiful gift of life, then to have it taken away from you before their time can be so devastating. The reality is you will grieve forever. You will never get over it, not even with time.You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but never the same. Nor should you be, nor should you want to be.

 No, I have never lost a child, but I have grieved with my Mother who had lost her youngest son at the age of 20. I helped her to get through the worst time of her life. It is never easy to watch someone you love so dearly go through so much pain while trying to deal with your own grief and loss of a Brother. I felt I had to be strong for her, but yet I would go home and hold my young children tight, and cry myself to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again. At times I was so physically exhausted from the lack of sleep, and I know she was too.


                                                   The 5 stages of grieving

Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

                                            Dedicated to my friend, Gail, and her son, Kane.
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