The loss of a child.

To lose a child is no doubt the worst pain you can ever feel. To raise, love, and nurture this beautiful gift of life, then to have it taken away from you before their time can be so devastating. The reality is you will grieve forever. You will never get over it, not even with time.You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but never the same. Nor should you be, nor should you want to be.

 No, I have never lost a child, but I have grieved with my Mother who had lost her youngest son at the age of 20. I helped her to get through the worst time of her life. It is never easy to watch someone you love so dearly go through so much pain while trying to deal with your own grief and loss of a Brother. I felt I had to be strong for her, but yet I would go home and hold my young children tight, and cry myself to sleep only to wake up and do it all over again. At times I was so physically exhausted from the lack of sleep, and I know she was too.


                                                   The 5 stages of grieving

Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

                                            Dedicated to my friend, Gail, and her son, Kane.
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Teach your children well

Children are our greatest gift in life. They teach us to be strong, to be brave, and to love unconditionally. Raising kids is not an easy job, and sometimes they can bring us heartache when they are experiencing difficult times. No child is perfect, but of course we are always there for them when they choose the wrong path in life. From my own experience my children have not always been ideal, but I've managed to persevere through the hard times. Sometimes no matter what we do for them their inner demons can take control over the most loved and cared for child.

I really love being a mom, especially during the younger years of their lives. I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home Mom for the first 11 years. My whole life consisted of raising them, maybe too much at times. When my children reached an age that they no longer needed my day to day care it was hard for me to let go. I always felt unsure if the values I taught them actually stayed with them through the teenage rebellion years, but as they've grown older I can actually see that those values were not lost. Children do learn by example, and if we do not live the life we preach they will turn a deaf ear.

I had a friend recently say to me; "My Mother taught me that my values were meant only for me, which doesn't mean other peoples values should be branded as evil". This rang very true for me, because in this day an age of social media we all tend to openly criticize other peoples values that don't align with ours. I never did this growing up, and I never taught my children to do this either. I listened and learned when I was a child whether I agreed or not. Now that my children are adults, I'm proud that they haven't forgotten the values that were taught to them even when I thought they were not listening.

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Beer Snob

I wasn't always a beer snob until recently. Labatt was always my go to beer for many years. I guess when all of the brewing companies started popping up every where it just made me curious. So I was on a mission to try as many different kinds of beer that I could get my hands on. I know what you're thinking. Aren't you afraid of getting a huge beer gut? Well, I did give that some thought, and I figured I would have to cut back on my desserts, and add some extra workout time. After all some beer could be considered a dessert. I started out with wheat beers and Lagers. Then I tried some seasonal beers like summer shanty, and one of my favorites still today, Oktoberfest. Then I would discover that these brewing companies were bottling delicious beers from all over my state, and all over the US readily available at my local liquor store.

When I first walked in and saw the selection of beer to choose from, well, I was like a kid in a candy store. Stouts, Porters, IPAs. You name it, they had it in every flavored beer you could imagine. Creme brulee, mocha. Fig, Chocolate, just to name a few. If there was a beer heaven, this was it. Of course drinking at home would be much more responsible than going to a pub each week to sample, so I usually stop off at beer heaven once a week to pick up a brew on my way home from work. I even joined a beer group on Facebook to give a review and post a pic.What will I do after I've sampled every beer there is available to me? Start all over again, of course.


 

 

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